Sports

You cannot escape being Manscaped, even in NHL rinks — it’s like a Zamboni for your …

Coming to an arena near you. And you. And YOU!

Coming to an arena near you. And you. And YOU!
Illustration: Photos: Getty Images, Manscaped

Do you find NHL helmet ads irritating? Do they cut you the wrong way? Leave you feeling sensitive about the intrusion of capitalism into sports?

Try hockey’s newest foray into shaving away every last bit of dignity in search of smooth, attractive bank accounts.

MANSCAPED: THE OFFICIAL BELOW THE WAIST GROOMING PARTNER OF THE MONTREAL CANADIENS

No, really.

For one thing, this is hockey, and everyone knows that if this is the advertising that they want to do, Manscaped should be the official lower-body grooming partner of the Montreal Canadiens.

You’re probably already familiar with Manscaped if you’ve listened to podcasts lately and heard your favorite host struggle to avoid giggling through an ad read for a company whose product is designed for extremely personal use. It’s hard to talk about Manscaped without beating around the bush about what they do.

It’s interesting that the Canadiens went for “official below the waist grooming partner,” while the Ottawa Senators named Manscaped their “official men’s grooming partner.” Both leave opportunities for further sponsorships. Who, for instance, wants to be the Habs’ above the waist grooming partner, or the Sens’ official women’s grooming partner? Both categories are open, so please have your corporate ledgers ready, brands.

The NHL is a league that depends heavily on gate revenues, more so than the other major sports leagues in North America. So, coronavirus has hockey in a pickle here, trying to make up for lost revenue while also trying not to alienate fans by oversaturating the product in ad content.

Manscaped makes a fine product at an affordable price, perhaps, but that doesn’t mean them having their logo on the ice at hockey games isn’t hilarious. Usually, when you dig down into the corners, the concern is ice shavings, after all, not… yeah.

If you’ve gotten this far without thinking about Shea Weber’s pubes, congratulations. Also, sorry for now putting that image in your head.

Manscaped! For all your business below the blue line.

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